Every other weekend.

My Beautiful Boy, is now 10 and a half years old. This handsome human being whom I adore with everything in me. Is on his way to becoming a "pre teen" as he so often reminds me. And to be totally honest it breaks my heart. I don't remember giving my permission to have him grow up so quickly. I feel like there is so much that I have missed. I worked all the time when he was a baby. I never had time for him and it breaks my heart and makes me want to cry as I sit here and type that. I did what I could to keep us treading water. Then I met the man who I now call my husband and what a godsend he was. He has helped me raise Jakob since he was two and a half  years old. Now we live in Alabama instead of NY and we are at the most 2 hours away from Jake's biological dad who over the last 18 months has taken more of a role in Jake's life. He loves to see him and spend time with him. And he honestly is trying to be a better person and a better parent to Jake. And we get along we can hang out have a beer talk about our lives in the Marine Corps, joke with each other and lean on each other. This weekend is the start of our every other weekend agreement. I am happy Jake gets to see Ray and he gets to be an only child again. But I am also sad. I am terrified that Jake will want to go live with Ray eventually and that scares the hell out of me. I cannot live with one of my children constantly gone from me and I fear that when Jake is with Ray he sees what he used to have. All the attention and all the love. He doesn't have to share his toys, his room or his affections. Yes I know that whatever shall be will be. However when it comes down to it, if he said he wanted to go and live with Ray, I am not sure I could let him go. Never in a million years would I even entertain the thought of not having one of my kids around but lately he has been telling me he can't wait until he turns 13 so he can leave. Leave the only parents he has known. His two sisters. ME, Phil who has raised him taken him to doctors appointments and helped coach his football practices and takes him to his Boy Scout meetings and camp outs.  When it comes down to it I will do what is in his best interest but damn it makes me sad. There is a song called Highway 20 ride and boy do I relate to it. I can only do my best and hope that he knows I love him with all my heart and soul.